Call me archaic, but I actually find the English language to be a great way to express one’s thoughts — regardless of intent or purpose. From relaying simple instructions in concise terms to loquaciously waxing poetic, English — when used properly — is capable of conveying thoughts and feelings with nuance and elegance. This does not mean that we need to roll our “R’s” nor speak in Shakespearean English, but as intelligent people, we must find a middle ground between “Wherefore art thou?” and “Where you at?”
From the highest halls of The United States government on down, spoken English has become a lost art or, at the very least, simply modified to the lowest common denominator.
Signs of Intelligent Life?
If language is a sign of intelligence, then the converse must be true, and the failure to speak properly must be a sign of a lesser intelligence. While we all know that this is not necessarily an accurate assessment of intelligent life, it has been proven in many surveys that the better-spoken people are viewed as more capable and intelligent than those who are linguistically challenged.
Over the years, the vernacular of the English language has been changed, incorporating high-tech terminology and new phenomena. Words and phrases such as “ringtone,” “IM-ing,” and “Googling” are recent additions to the colloquial English that we all speak. Older idiomatic expressions, such as “cool it,” have been replaced by the updated “chill out,” and phrases such as “groovy” and “far out” are so archaic, one might as well say “swell.”
The word “ain’t” was eventually added to the dictionary, but in my 1980 Random House College Dictionary (yes, 1980), the word is accompanied by text noting that “Ain’t is so traditionally and widely regarded as a nonstandard form that it should be shunned by all who prefer to avoid being considered illiterate.” Or, put into layman terms, “use at your own risk.”
The reason I bring all this to your attention is that, in our business, it is not enough just to be a technical wizard who can only speak “audiophile” and “hip” musical slang. As audio pros, we are constantly dealing with people and clients who (hopefully) speak a more formalized English. So it’s a good assumption that to succeed in this business as a touring or regional engineer, one should have a better command of the English language than street slang and “Twitter” speak. Unfortunately, advertisers, movies, and television — in their attempt to reach certain markets — rely on specific phrases and words that only promote the improper syntax and idioms which Random House suggests “should be shunned by all who prefer to avoid being considered illiterate.”
The “F” Word
Giving the wrong impression to those around us would be most unfortunate, as the majority of audio techs I know are intelligent, capable human beings who read manuals and operate rather complex technology. These same technicians, when need be, are usually quite quick with a euphemism such as, “My monitor engineer is a piece of work,” or “The lead singer is something else.” Thus, knowing that these said engineers are capable of turning such a droll phase, it always galls me when a good majority of their speech is peppered with the “F” word. The English language contains such a plethora of words to choose from that it is almost criminal to rely on one word to describe every subtlety of emotion and spirit, but nonetheless we do it anyway. “Hey Vinnie, the “F”ing console doesn’t “f”ing work and now we’re all “F’ed.” Of course, a sentence such as this one should only be shouted at the top of one’s lungs across the room at the fanciest of corporate events in order to have the optimum effect.
What Do They Really Mean?
I spend hours on the phone each day with prospective clients trying to discern what equipment and labor they need to make their events a success. And it can be both tedious and frustrating when a prospective client asks for “just a basic sound system for a small band” or “a microphone for 500 people.” These are the clients that need their hands held from start to finish. But they are also the same clients with a serious budget to which they need to adhere. As it turns out, I am the one who spends long, agonizing hours deciphering what they mean and what they’re trying to accomplish.
I usually perform this task of building an order while utilizing my command of the English language, which is mediocre at best. Confident that I know what needs to be done, I’m certain I can communicate the necessary process to the client in a language that will be understood. It still amuses me when a client asks for such things as “two speakers and a four-channel SM58 microphone.” The rider that requests a “drum thrown” with the drum kit always elicits the response (not necessarily to the client) “Which one, and how far?” My new favorite came from a production manager who wrote that he would send over the “audio writer.” Imagine my confusion regarding this epistle. Would he be sending a file? Would he need me to load his file onto a piece of software with which I was unfamiliar? I finally realized that he meant “audio rider,” but I was still plagued by my own sarcastic thoughts and kept amusing myself with thoughts of the production manager sending over the “writer of the rider.” Ha-ha!
Watch What You Say
A good customer once called me to complain I had sent too much gear for a particular gig and, even though I had been meticulous in my negotiations with the client, she was overwhelmed by, not only the amount of equipment, but by the failure of the audio engineer to coherently work out a solution to her problem. Apparently the engineer I sent to work the event had decided a few more pieces of gear would enhance the event. When I questioned the engineer as to why he had taken so much more equipment than was needed, or ordered, he loquaciously replied that it looked good to all involved if he was able to pull pieces of gear out of his ass when the client started to request more and more.
As much as I understand and appreciate the engineer’s illustrative metaphor, I took issue with not only how he was transporting the gear, but the fact that he thought it was okay to give it away. It was a large corporate event, and I realized that he wanted to look good for the client while also making the company shine, but, as it turns out, the client is a very distinguished woman who had started her company and created its success from the ground up, and she very definitely enjoyed the position of being in control. As a very involved and hands-on CEO, she became overwhelmed and distraught at the amount of gear being brought into the event, especially after she had specifically requested a more low-key audio presence.
When she politely questioned the engineer regarding the amount of equipment, he affably repeated his brilliant metaphor, except now, since he was in the heat of it, he decided to ramp it up a notch just to drive the point home. “It may seem like a lot,” he said, “but I just like to pull the ‘f’-ing sh*t out of my ass if I need it.”
Of course, Vinnie didn’t realize that he was painting a mental picture for the client, or that she would spend the best part of the following four hours trying to escape the haunting image by drowning herself in a sea of vodka. Unaware of his horrific metaphor, he compounded his gaffe by telling her not to worry — he had the perfect place to store the dead and unused cases.
Unfortunately, at this point, having been informed as to the place from where he was pulling the equipment, there was no way for her to know he was referring to the truck as a storage space, and that the “perfect place to store the dead and unused cases” was not just a euphemism he was using to complement his brilliant metaphor.
A Lesson to be Learned
The point I’m trying to make is that we work in a multi-faceted industry — one that includes people who are not musicians, music business people or technicians. Many people do not understand (nor do they appreciate) our style of expression, verbiage and peculiar sense of humor. If we are to succeed in such a varied industry, it is then our responsibility to learn how to communicate with the people who populate the business, and that means learning how to conduct ourselves in any given situation. Although we live in a country that often equates intelligent behavior with elitism, it does not mean that being hip, ironic or crude will give a person “street cred,” nor does is suggest that one should forego etymological decorum in our varied professional settings.
